So why not be real? God forgive me if my bluntness offends, but God knows what I am thinking, so why not share it. I know I should start with the blessings, but if I do I will talk myself out of addressing the BS which is what is really getting under my skin and I can't think of any other word to use. Where do I begin?
I guess I don't even know what I am wanting to say. I am so frustrated with myself that I want to scream. Have you ever thought God told you something only to doubt it? How in the world do you really know what God is telling you unless He speaks in a burning bush or literally writes it on the wall?
Does anyone know where I am going with this?.......Good, cause apparently, I don't either. Let me start from the beginning.
I walked into court Wednesday thinking it would be the first trip of many for the finalities of divorce. To my surprise, I walked out a single woman. An absolute divorce was granted with no mediation or agreements concerning the kids, property, custody, anything. I had no idea I would walk out a single woman... yes, still in shock!
I must say, God was so with me during the entire episode. My mom, "just happened" to have planned a week to visit me (that is entirely another story for blogging), but she was there for support. Richard was amiable which made things much less stressful. It was such a sad occasion... so many people there ending their lives as one. I just wanted to cry for everyone. The thought of so many people ending their commitments to each other. For one brief moment... I honestly wished things would have been different. I never wanted my divorce. It was so hard sitting there... still loving the man that I was about to be legally removed from for the rest of my life. I can't explain it.. but it was just such extreme sadness. I had no idea what bereavement I would have over that one day.
Anyway... oh I swear I am so ADD, I cannot stay focused.
Needless to say.. I have truly been mourning this week. I have no idea what is going to happen with the kids... the price you pay for not having the price lawyers want you to pay and going into court unrepresented. I am just trusting God to take care of it all. What else can I do? I am still claiming "NO MORE HAND-ME-DOWNS" and that is what I am expecting God to do for me. HE will take care of me and give me only the best in the final settlement.
So now that I am finally officially divorced... you would think I would be excited, especially since I have been dating for the last year. (We have been separated almost 2 years.... and yes, I feel the need to justify myself.) But of course this whole relationship thing is driving me crazy! Those of you who are more legalistic will say that is what I deserve because I should have never been dating while still officially married anyway. All I can say is that I am doing the best I can and trying to hear God and obey him in the situation I am at.... I see God in such a more loving way these days. Not someone standing over me with a whip and chain forcing me to follow all these rules... but as a gracious daddy that gently directs his little girl in the right direction when she strays.
Boy.. if you are following me still... you are good! Oh well... I am just rambling...ranting...raving... whatever it is... it is cheaper than therapy! :O)
Ok... so here is the deal. I finally gave up something I wanted to hold onto so tightly in January. God helped me finally let go and trust him in the whole relationship scenario. I had been holding onto what I thought was a really good thing for me... something that I didn't want to let go of... something comfortable... comforting....something I could control....or maybe something that was controlling me. I decided God didn't want me to keep hanging onto the hand-me-downs... the things and people in life that weren't GOD'S BEST for me. And no sooner than I let go... I had someone walk into my life... that seemed... seemed perfect. I wasn't even sure about it.. but before I knew it.. I was feeling confirmation that God was telling me this was THE ONE.. and this was my Calling.. so to speak.
Oh it is so hard to be vague enough to keep the"innocent" parties unknown.. and still tell my story..... anyway......
Long story short.... I am seeing that I am putting myself in the same situation and relationships that I had before that were so detrimental to me. I am letting myself be taken advantage of.. and feeling like it is some sort of calling to "fix" people at my (and unfortunately my kids') expense. What is up with that? Why can't someone just love me the way I need to be loved?
Yes... I know.. I have to love myself first. And I have to create healthy boundaries... and ughh!!! it is just so much dang work...why does it have to be so hard?
God is growing me.. despite what you may think from my lack of eloquent words. He is showing me in Jeremiah 24:7 that He will give me a heart to know Him.. as He has... and He will be my God, because I am giving Him all my heart.
He is reminding me that I am His "Zion" or as I have been reading it for a couple years now...his "baby girl" as He speaks to me directly in scripture like in Zephaniah 3:16-20 where He says...(in my paraphrase of course) "Don't be afraid... baby girl....your God.. your daddy... is here to save you. He's happy to have you back.. he'll calm you with his love.. just praise him! Your sorrows and troubles are about to be over.. I am going to get rid of them... you have carried them long enough."
There has been so much growth just this week... remember what I said about my mom? yes she came to help me clean house. Little did I know God would be doing his own house cleaning too. I am feeling a bit empty because I have gotten rid of so much.. but God keeps reminding me... NO MORE HAND-ME-DOWNS.... Oh that is horrible.. especially when you start digging through the trash seeing what God is trying to throw out... (another analogy I will share with you some other time).
So.. the bereavement is natural... the boundaries are healthy... the BS? Well that should find another name I know.. but I cannot believe the way some people are so self involved that they don't even realize the pain they are causing others. I am tired of trying to fix other people... dag gone it... I am a cracked pot and it is time to try and fix my own cracks before I try to help someone else. I don't have time for all this drama anyway. Why would God tell me that a man is "the one" when he isn't someone that is healthy for me? So I am stuck between realizing I am not good at hearing God.. or figuring out why God wants me to settle than less than the best... or figuring He just wants me to wait on this one to straighten up his act.... OH LIFE IS COMPLICATED!!!!
I guess I will just take it one day at a time..... it is a day of new beginnings. On the 30th I became a new SINGLE woman.... (that could be fun now, couldn't it?) There may just be some wonderful Christian man just waiting to find a woman like me with wonderful kids like mine.. who wants to share a ministry and use the trash in the past to create a treasure for the future.
God has blessed me beyond belief... my home is getting cleaned out now.. I have enough set out to have a huge yard sale which will bring us a little extra cash... and if not... IT IS OUT OF MY HOME and I have made room for only God's best..... today there was a HUGE answer to prayer for our family financially.. that ONLY GOD could have been in.... there are soooo many blessings.
And the biggest blessing of all.... these struggles... the confusions... the words said that shouldn't be said.. like "BS"... all these are pieces to a puzzle... a puzzle of God creating me to be the perfect picture of who HE wants me to be.. not who my mom wants me to be... not who my kids want me to be... not who my ex thought I should've been... not who some man expects me to be.. .not even who I want to be.... but the person that God created me to be... before I was ever even in my mother's womb.
WOW.... when you think of it that way.. it sounds actually a bit exciting.
Pray for me... I am still going through the fires... but I know God is working on me. If only I can learn to SHINE for Him in everything I do. One baby step at a time.
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